Open Season

I don't like golf. The social aspect sounds fine, the chat and banter and the drinking after the game. The golf itself? I always associate it with having to get up at a ridiculous hour (maybe this was just my father, he insisted we see the first "tee-off", (as I believe those in the know call it). I associate it with sore legs (from standing and watching). I associate it with long walks (from being unable to stand and watch and having to move elsewhere). It's a ridiculous spectator sport if you can't see the "green" (as I believe those in the know call it).

The Senior Open has come to Troon. And the sun's even shining. And even I know a lot of the names. And, in fact, the town's not as mobbed by tipsy middle-aged Americans as I would have thought. Not that I would have minded tipsy middle-aged Americans. They come to town, drink, eat, spend money, play golf, go home. Although they're perhaps not all middle-aged. When I registered the bith of Grump Most Junior at the Town Hall, it was all very fancy and computerised. "Nationality of Father?" - computer showed a drop-down list with "Scottish, English, Welsh, Northern Irish" and then "American". So I asked why. "Oh, they come here to play golf and give unexpectedly give birth while they're here". The middle-aged drunk American golfers give birth while they're here??? Drunken pregnant men in their 50s??? This must be stopped!